Who I Am Today
With E’s third birthday upon us, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. I feel like the past three years have literally flown by, well rather quickly. TimeHop also tends to remind me of the fast pace at which life travels when it hits me with sweet photos of my bump, E as a newborn, or you know, my honeymoon (the first time around). I think it was that last photo that really caused me to take pause and inventory the events of the past five years.
Five years ago I was living in a one bedroom apartment down to the final 30 days before my divorce was final. I was happy and a complete mess all at one time. I was scared and elated rolled into one. I was lost. I was consumed by the fear of what would become of my life. So, I did what all women do in this situation, I adopted another dog.
But seriously, I had no clue what lay on the horizon 5 years ago. Part of me wanted to run back into the arms of my husband and just forget everything that had transpired. I wanted the safety net of marriage and the stability of it all. I wanted to continue to know what every day would look like for eternity with him. But part of cringed at that thought because I did know what that future looked like and it wasn’t what I really wanted.
The days between filing and finalization I ran the gamut of emotions. I cried more than I knew was ever possible, but I also laughed more than I had in the past 2 years. I experienced a love that I had never known—the love of God and a community of people surrounding me and pouring into me.
I also remember thinking that after it was final I would feel some relief, some freedom, or solace. All I felt was guilt, shame, regret and loneliness. I also was angry. I was angry that I had not made it work, that he had not made it work that I was a statistic and a failure. I did stupid things in the months following. I didn’t listen to my intuition, drank too much, went on questionable dates and bought a house. I know now that I was searching for something that I would never find in material possessions or someone else. I was looking for myself.
I realize now that when I married M I lost a piece of me and not in a good way. I became who I thought he wanted and needed instead of who I was and needed to be. I stopped being all the things that I think he fell in love with. I grew depressed and angry and bitter. I lost myself.
Hindsight is a funny thing. I can look back and think I could have, I should have, what if, but ultimately I had to accept that life was now different and that was ok, that I was ok. That I needed to go through all of it to get to where I am now. I needed to experience the hurt and pain to find myself again in order to be the person, the wife, the mother that I am today.
God has a funny way of knowing what you need, even when you don't. You see, I met my husband in August 5 years ago and well, the rest is history.